good
monkey very simple man
[Music]
i love you [ __ ]
as y'all can see from the banner behind
me that says happy manhood this here's a
very special day jerry lost his
virginity congratulations dude you did
no i didn't
i mean i i did a long time ago oh really
what was his name zip it
today ain't about you two ass bags it's
about a special little guy named benny
come over here you corpse eating some
[ __ ] why you throwing me a man one
party old man
you always say first dead hooker when
boy becomes a man that's true
there's different ways to measure
manhood dead hookers
and good old-fashioned calendar years
today benny
you're seven seven years old oh i'm
old eh and before you cross that bridge
into man land forever
we got one more piece of boyhood fun
please let me down my neck can
not take this weight load pinatas don't
talk boy
yeah stephen dogs right my son sword
hey everybody do i gots the best
demographic specific game tester a man
can hope for or whatever
today you're a man and it's time to go
away will you bring me celerity
to grieve may i have an honor of killing
you no boy
when i die it's gonna be by my own hand
just like my granddaddy
it's you that's going somewhere today
jump in the caddy
i gots a surprise for you
want to see a magic trick hand me that
giant bag of stuff i got you now watch
it disappear
dude that was my only weed if i die in
this noose
please pull my pants down and claim it
was autoerotic asphyxiation
i want mother to know that i died nobly
[Music]
i'm dumping my first hook our honorable
father no benny
the gift i'm giving you is better than a
dead naked [ __ ] if you can believe that
it's a little thing i like to call
freedom why you said benny free
you're gonna shoot me in the back now
boy it's just that at seven years old
you leave the demographic my game
company targets with its inappropriate
video games
it ain't that i don't like you benny
it's just that i got no more use for you
yeah
my really pays inaudible itself
[Music]
well wax my boobies put a wig on my
pecker and call me richard simmons
how the hell did you get back never get
rid of penny i'm
worse than your herpes hey benny hey
shut your mouth boy
i hope nobody heard that
i might be high but you look like todd
only gayer
and fatter i said gayer right i see it
too
holy shared hallucinations
dave maybe we're meant to be more than
just friends
i'm just kidding of course chris what
are you doing here
i didn't know you were back in town todd
me hermano
i missed you buddy holy everybody get in
here
todd has a lover and he's bilingual and
it's one of those creepy relationships
where they dress and look the same
like lesbians with penises hesbians
no boys being damn it there has to be a
word for this when i said go
yourself todd i didn't expect you to
give birth are you another one of todd's
renter friends
he's gonna go broke can you let me down
with pleasure
you okay brother brother yes toddios
is my little brother oh my god todd is
dating his brother
they are lesbros oh that word's awesome
i am a genius who ordered the big guy
juggler he's not a juggler but it's true
he's my brother and he thinks it's cool
to deliver papers
on a unicycle what a nerd right is that
so
well he's right it is cool damn it
what's your beat unitard my route is the
world the himalaya
the mojave the amazon detroit downtown
san jose
i've ridden it all in my day goddamn
that is fascinating
you ever wrote an autobiography you know
something inspiring like uh
like yes i can by sammy davis jr i can
assure you sir
that chris's actual life as a paper boy
is nowhere near as interesting
as my own life as a scientist of the
imagination todd
shut up your voice is killing my crotch
eggs dude i've got a great idea why
doesn't game of vision make a game about
chris i think todd would really like
that what is the opposite of what i
would like good idea david
we're making a game about this one-wheel
news jockey and that's that
and fatty you're the lead developer i'd
love to stay and work with my little bro
but games are todd's domains yes it
would be a horrible intrusion
i'll show you a horrible intrusion mr
larrity is this or is this not a family
business
incest is best right if i had a sister
i'd bang the hell out of her and i
spilled enough blood to know that it's
thicker than water
and a good mixer with scotch family
should come first yes
unitard news boy is happening more for
sure than the mortician nail marilyn
monroe
now get out of my way dummies i gots to
dump an orphan off in the woods
and that ain't no poop joke
[Music]
here you go kiddo oh boy associates
necklace for benny you bet
right over there in the woods is a real
live teddy bear
and i heard he scott and candy oh thank
you
great leader
[Applause]
[Music]
oh it's more like donkey kong [ __ ]
[Music]
my chocolate loin stick dave jerry there
you are
me i confide in you no problem is my
brother chris
todd shut up i know this will be
difficult for you to believe
but for some reason mother loves him
more than she loves me
even though i am the one who has washed
her gray valley low
these past five years
god that was your fault because you
grossed jerry out there's nothing but
beauty in her folds and crevices
and maybe some lint and sometimes loose
change and i'm afraid that if chris
stays here now
i will lose my place in mother's
affections forever jerry let's tag teeth
machine and see what happens thank you
for listening anytime
thank you for the bears they were very
good
i left the best part for you great white
samurai
korean tradition say you'll eat them you
will see the future
i seen it boy and you ain't in it get
over here right now benny i won't get
you
come on hey todd's brother
dude he ever been to lake titicaca
oh you sad dumb bastards of course i
have i rode across it on a local ped
boat called a peruvian steamer
i'm so high you seem awesome even though
you're related to todd
i know why your mother loves you better
than him david no
you were my confidant dude good luck
i've been trying for years and i still
can't make it reach
i miss the entire ninth grade with a
fractured neck i want me inside me so
bad is todd having a seizure no no he's
self-soothing he's fine it's it's common
among autistics and and children with
asperger's
an asperger it got worse when i left to
roam mother earth's thighs on my uni
chris no one wants to be bored by your
boring stories of world travel and
exotic conquest
hey guess what they're better than your
lame mouth talk asperger guys
lay off my brother well he does reek of
cheese and bad ideas
he's a totally hip cat in my book hey
man you're so cool hey you want to go
hug stuff at cars yeah let's do it
[Music]
and then i gave my followers important
words to live by
i said if you're gonna do something do
it well
and leave something with you read some
more charles manson story mr larity
make benny so warm and sleepy
it's go time you little szechuan sweetie
wake up time you can be good mr celerity
here i come mri
all right little brother now see i set
up this unicycle park so
you can get an idea of what my intricate
movements are for the game this isn't
necessary at all
let's go inside what's going on we're
just doing some research my good
and sexy lady you're just like tony hawk
only bigger oh yes yes much bigger
especially in the old baby maker the old
sausage factory
downstairs in the old peony basement if
you know what i mean
we get it now that you know what we're
doing go back inside
you todd don't worry todd i'm like a
fine mayonnaise
i spread deliciously and everyone may
have a taste
there's enough sir christopher for
everyone
wow his toss is so accomplished not as
accomplished as my
toss dino i think i finally shook benny
awesome i like to shake girls i shake
girls like this
shake them really hard what's up that's
a good one mr liberty
now i got sushi you want some whoa i'm
just
kidding you're not touched that korean
has wang chung
me for the last time y'all died when i
was little you used to say you should
have had me adopted and now i'm finally
glad nobody wanted you
cause you're a gosh darn genius we gots
to get benny adopted you hear that my
dad thinks i'm a genus
a group of organisms that share a common
characteristic what's up
i can't believe you hit a doormat from a
hundred yards away
that's not all i can hit unicycling
really works the moula banda
i've always wanted to date a news boy
it's so hot
so you think it's hot that chris was
breastfed until he was eight how hot is
that yes well i
do know my way around a nipple he pooped
his pants at the christmas pageant
cooper i was eight months old i played
the baby yeah oh my god you're an
actor i pooped my pants many times
several times
actually in fact i'm pooping my pants
right now
anyone up for a changing
da i'm out of paper something in here
must work
as a pipe nice just like using an apple
but it tastes like bear thoughts
i'm taking a hit from a bear's head man
i really have to get my life together
why you stupid stuck so stupid ah
did you hear that the bear's still alive
right here stupid jerry
why you screaming like a girl what are
you doing in here dude then he's gonna
get adopted
live with some family so sad now i don't
know what to do scare the potential
parents away man
oh just be yourself yeah you're
terrifying creepy little asian kids are
always scary
there i was a rabid dog to my left
sprinkler system to my right
what do you sacrifice a leg or the news
it may seem like a tough choice but i
had a job to do
no what a hero blah blah blah
a hero no no i'm just a man with some
crazy ideas about honor and duty
you must feel the same way about
programming i mean when you look in the
mirror
don't you just feel good if you must
know only when i am dressed as she-ra
now let's just finish the game chris how
about we make level two about delivering
papers in india
because i've got some great stories
about a talking tiger and a bear that
sang to me and and i even have a story
about a monkey king
very well i will immortalize you
[Music]
excellent look we're laughing together
we're brothers come here hug me stop it
i'm laughing alone
woody and mia i am so glad y'all came to
look at my asia
i think there's been some mistake this
cage contains a boy
he's darling what's wrong with a boy how
am i supposed to marry a boy when he
grows up
what it was a joke
you lose old man
all right everyone gather round we are
gathered you idiot i present to you
paper man the oracle in my game
the paper boy chris is threatened by
people and animals hell bent on killing
him
survival is highly unlikely come chris
try the game first play i am deeply
honored sir
die paper idiots die let me try
this is insanely hard finally a game
that's got some meat to it great work
todd what do you mean
your precious paper man is dead do you
hear me dead
i killed him exactly it's dangerous
just like my life it it's faster than
the highlight i played in the mountains
of portugal and more thrilling than the
boomerang mouth catch i played with
aborigines i love you chris
good job chris this game's gonna be huge
yeah you're great chris this game is
mine
people everywhere are finally going to
know the name
chris you mean todd people everywhere
are going to know the name
todd fatty you're just the magician
chris is the real magic
and to send this game off right i'm
going to have chris do a demonstration
to promote
wow i'll show you magic
sweltered venom sleeping blood boiled
our first and
charming pot
yes that's right run from my deadly
spell
[Music]
gosh i'm nervous about the demo tomorrow
i mean being a role model is a big
responsibility yes yes
huge responsibility so i have prepared a
present
please look in the class come on
you didn't have to give me a present
look in the closet
look at that oh your dog collection is
huge
why is this one wearing mommy's
pantyhose oh geez oh my god something
accidentally fell on my head
yes it it must have fallen from the
ceiling and it's falling again
[Music]
[Applause]
my non-wooden leg todd are you
dying todd oh
there are people out there who expect a
demo now the paperboy creed is never
disappoint a customer
ah todd you will have to do
the demo for me impossible please todd
there's only one person in the world i
can trust with the most important thing
in my life
my sack you would let me hold your sack
oh
silly you're my only brother of course i
would let you hold my sack
i've always dreamed of your sack slung
across my shoulder of course you have
why we're brothers aren't we
i love you if i do the demo
then all eyes will be on me and perhaps
mother will let me move back into her
room
i'll do it give me a one-wheeled steed
[Music]
steven spielberg glad you saw my ad
i figured you'd pay top dollar for a
real-life china baby
how you being amigo good but not great
got a hot actress for my next movie
totally going to nail her
that's the good but i'm having a heck of
a time finding the right asian kid
that's the not great stevie i am the
answer to all your funny talk jewish
prayers
hey kid can you say hey lady call him dr
jones hey lady call him dr
joan hey what's the first part liking
him
not loving him i have to feel it right
here in your ass
in my wallet which is in my ass oh
color purple blue donkey balls okay
not even liking him anymore dang it
benny i thought i told you to behave can
he do a lot of bad things in his short
life
but i cannot lie about color purple
that's where benny draw the line
i gots to go out and start the dang ol
festivities
but this adoption thing ain't over
hey do you think chris will sign my copy
of the sunnyvale herald shut up kid or
i'll sign the sidewalk with your face
now where in the hooker's purses at
chris i want to see what he can do with
that third leg i hope he's all right i
want to lose my virginity to him
come on my other one the second one
chris what happened you mugged an old
lady for a wheelchair right
and then you put your legs in fake
castle people would roll you
to chocolate milk you are genius dude no
i look everyone it's i
the narrate me that's right
[Music]
you can do it my man todd
this sucks but getting the hang of it
victory i am the paper man now watch it
fireballs shut up i'll reptile
i'm trying to deliver your paper you
need the news thank you
oh he's chewing me because i'm delicious
i have to save my little bro no chris
wait you're hurt
and no one cares about todd ah i
care about todd
oh go away i do not need savings you're
being eaten alive my brother look at
them
they love you what do i have to live for
just let me die here
but get mother so she can watch me
expire no way buddy
here we go watch this showboating this
isn't as much fun now that todd's not
dying or maybe the weeds weren't on now
that is a problem we can solve
but we're out of weed if you use an
apple for a pipe you eat the apple
if you use a bear head for a pipe you do
what jerry
sometimes i do not give you enough
credit man
[Music]
i don't think this is working i just bit
a tooth hi
everyone come on gather around everybody
even the people i don't know or care
about
i just want to say that this has been
one of the most amazing weeks of my life
i had a game made about me and my
brother and i grew closer and
i showed my love by saving him from an
alligator but unfortunately
my home is on the road we're going to
miss you man you make being fat in a
wheelchair
pretty awesome dave do me a favor go
easy on todd
mother screwed him up bad really bad no
can do
i have too much respect for you to lie
to you it's gonna get worse for todd
much worse
now if you'll excuse me i am going to
lube todd's keyboard
and molest it with my wang stick oh
all right well that's it for me goodbye
all ah come on
can somebody give me a jump now benny
i owe you one heck of a doggone apology
you're just a bad person mr lucky
you can't help it well i'm just glad i
took another glance at that memo about
the demographic
the top h for the crap i make ain't
seven minutes
it's 17. you're talking about another 10
years
at least 10 more kiddo and that calls
for
a real manhood celebration have a
seaguar
dean wheeler in sorry this ain't no lady
benny but this is the only dead
prostitute i could come up with on short
notice i'm not dead i
just don't d you're safe now son you're
safe is it okay to poke it with the
stick poke away boy
this the manhood is awesome fantastic
dang it there has got to be a lesson in
here somewhere
well i guess it's like that fist-sized
diamond i keistered out of johannesburg
buried it so deep i never saw it again
you crazy old son of a [ __ ]
i love you too son when you die benny
digging out that diamond with a
switchblade
i hope you do boy i hope you do
downstairs in the old peony basement