um
fuzzy secret heart
[Music]
i love you [ __ ]
jerry check it out my chip looks like
jfk's head wait
now it really does are you seriously
going to act like nothing is wrong here
dave what's wrong dude i made a
perfectly innocent joke about the
assassination of our most beloved
president
and the death of american innocence you
know what i'm talking about jerry i
don't know if you know this about me or
not but i do a lot of bad things now
what is the specific bad thing i did
well someone broke into my place last
night and stole my brand new
impalavision video game console
dude that's weird me too i know it was
you dave no it wasn't are you insane you
can't fool me sure i can dude any
halfway decent transvestite can but this
time i did not
[Music]
man that's my console got stolen too
come on jerry i might be crazy enough to
break into your house and steal
something but am i crazy enough to break
into black steve's house
no way say what mother well yeah that's
true but maybe you paid black steve to
say that to me you better back
down jerry because nobody can buy my
word except mr pibb
i have an exclusive contract drink mr
pibb
it doesn't pretend to be a doctor unlike
some other drinks i don't know
you know jerry my console was stolen
last night too there must be some kind
of
serial burglar in the neighborhood what
did i hear renewed interest in my pitch
for cereal burglar and breakfast
adventure
no now do you believe me jerry or do you
think i formed a secret club with marion
black steve called the make jerry look
like an ass club that club sounds cool
sign me up whatever i hate you i hate
you all
i had a nickel for every time that
happened i'd put those nickels on a sock
and
beat jerry unconscious
[Applause]
are you fixing to cry no whoa jerry hold
it
come with me it's muy importanto where
are you taking me to my throne room
you bought king tuts pissoir yes i did
jerry
and that's just one of the many wonders
you're gonna see as my new right hand
man i'm your new right-hand man well
that all depends
which hand do you jiggle it with what
jerry let me tell you a little story
it was a dark and blustery night and i
was trying to charm a little trickle out
of this old busted hose
by which i mean my penis and you came in
crying and
moaning about that old lesbo you're in
love with
why doesn't she love me she's not a
lesbian she just wears sensible shoes
whatever makes you feel better sally
the sounds of your wussy little tears
rolling down your cheeks started my own
juices flowing
if you catch my dread i don't catch your
drift not at all jerry i have a medical
condition called peace shyness
and this condition poses a special
problem for a businessman like myself
since most deals are sealed at the
urinal don't you just have surgery for
that
my potato ain't never going under no
peeler
no jerry every so often a man finds a
pea charm
and son you can charm the pea right out
of my wizard gizmo that literally can't
be true i'm afraid it is
you're my pee charm jerry i wish i could
turn you into a ring and wear you around
my business
walk with me son but you're standing
still walk around me then like a cat in
heat
and you can go ahead and cry now oh
boy yeah keeping tears rolling
it's all right why are you putting a dog
collar on me now
whenever you feel that mild buzzing
around your throat
you come running chief i'm on permanent
pee call
ah just casting it out again jerry
you're free to go ah some slip my bad on
that
come on man you have to have a couple
stashed in the back i told you sir all
of our apollo vision consoles were
mysteriously stolen from the store just
last night
good morning david what can i help you
with fatty i require
surveillance equipment the smallest and
subtlest you offer are you spying on
yourself to find out if you're a bigger
douche than you already are because i
can save you the time you are in fact a
douche
no this is not funny dave i suspect
mother is being unfaithful thought your
dad was dead yes yes he is
now the surveillance equipment we have
just the thing
it appears to be a dispenser of
libations exactly a [ __ ] stenographer
devilishly clever i will install this
device in mother's bedroom
and her sins will be catalogued toots
sweet by this man's
tiny covert hand hey do you have
anything in appliances that can make me
feel clean again
[Music]
[Laughter]
you will pay for that [ __ ] name
okay dudes what's the plan i've got it
i'll hold down todd you rape him then we
go rob some banks who's in raise their
hand you're in you
silent you guys must be four and sloppy
man went out in the 70s much worse this
to come
whoa todd what the hell sorry when
little bilbo gets scared he takes a wee
in my shire
[Music]
[Applause]
welcome to pakistan
[Music]
man this is bull i'm gonna die with the
person i hate most in the world take
solace dear friend
for i am here as well david it has been
a pleasure you todd
here are american programmers thank you
mufus
deficiting his cochlear implants have
not arrived but
he means i have to go to the bathroom i
thought i didn't steal those consoles
and now i know yes i stole the infidel
consoles
allow me to introduce myself i am the
king of
kakistan huge asthma
follow my lead and we'll get out of here
alive i am an american citizen
i demand that you let me go please
i'll be your [ __ ] i'll be your [ __ ] so
good
i'll be the best [ __ ] you've ever had
he'll be your [ __ ] too
oh please i'm too young i just want to
live
dude what the hell clearly he's stolen
all these consoles create a network of
supercomputers capable of targeting the
greatest infidel cities of the west
isn't that right ass man no that would
be crazy
i have stolen all of the game consoles
in america
in order to drive up demand for your
american christmas and jewel christmas
is this the north pole perhaps some
history is in order
you see for time until kakistan's only
crop has been
khaki pants dude i passed third grade
sadly your government's pan subsidies
have allowed the gap to flood the market
with cheap khakis what the hell does
that have to do with the game console we
are broke
that is why we have stolen your
television consoles
when demand hits an all-time high then
we take the consoles to the us
and sell them back to you making a
killing in our discount super stores
i knew it he didn't no i didn't okay i
understand your fairies plot but why
kidnap us
because the initial games for the
impellivision are how do you say
sucky that's why i need you the
famous programmers dave and jay
dave and jerry yes i read your profile
in geek week
and if for like some silly reason your
guards made a mistake and we're not
exactly dave and jerry
that would be very bad for you for i
would be shamed
i would lose my honor people would say
horrible things about my family
the only way to reclaim my honor would
be to cut off your penises
and eat them actually the plural of
penis is penie
mother hubbard shut up dude we are dave
and jerry
right jerry why don't you beat jerry
because that doesn't make any
sense right jerry
right jerry yes right you are value
guest in kakestan
here have some of our native crop
pants fresh from the field
finally pants that fit my ample stomach
and disproportionately short
inseam the elastic waste is oh my god
it's so soft like the tongues of angels
licking my midsection in undercarriage
yes
nothing cradles the civilization like a
fresh pig
pant i am finally home
[Music]
bastards here we are jerry
anyone who matters has urinated in these
sacred halls
these drains have tasted the water of
kings and presidents
and eleanor roosevelt eleanor roosevelt
yes siree
she was packing meat heat that's why fdr
was in that wheelchair
wait whoa whoa i gotta deal with that
guy right over there
when i signal you come running what's
the signal
all right that signal oh you ready to
make a deal conrad
let me whip out my penis i don't know
big t not much of a stream you got there
we don't like to go into business with
people unless they flow free
tell them a lot about your character i
know just what you mean sea bone
i feel the same way well you're flowing
like robin williams at a comedy jam we
have a deal
let's cross streams to make it official
got a little on me damn it jerry you are
a p genius this is where we make the
commercial for your cable tv
and probably a little porno on the side
right yes
and it is quite racy what the hell is
that she is very attractive yes
that flash of ankle will give me naughty
dreams
i just can't get over these pants enjoy
them to the fullest
fat jerry now you'll have to excuse me
if we do not shoot now we will owe meal
penalties
i've always wanted to be in a local
commercial it's been a dream of mine be
my guest
but please refrain from getting in my
light
and action allah
[Music]
bring them in where did you get this
terrorist
video that is the tape of the price is
right the commercial air between plinko
and cliffhangers a likely story
now tell us what he's saying the
translation is right there on the screen
he's offering prices you simply won't
believe
i know what the subtitles say i want you
to tell me what he's actually saying in
a rad literally
his prices are insane have these people
deported but we're from trenton new
jersey i hate to think what waits for
you back there
look on the screen he seems to have some
americans with him
this is the room where you will work
your magic
this room will do blazer cradabra
note to self my magic does not work in
the middle east
yes the jews have taken all our magic
we used to fly around on carpets but
sadly
those days are gone he means programming
magic ass
man ash man yes programming
your work here and make the best game in
television has ever seen
or else
[Music]
i got the americans id oh yeah these two
are in the system
dave let's see possession possession
possession
possession possession possession
possession
some of these characters never learn
sure but look at the todd one's rapture
my god those are things no doll should
ever
see it says they work at a place called
game of vision
go there and gather as much information
as you can oh and see if you can find
out when bacon avenger 2 is coming out
my kids love that game
[Music]
i'm special agent fox and this is my
partner special agent dana can you id
these men
what did they do now ma'am that's
classified all we can tell you is that
they're in kakistan and they're in great
danger and the moon landing wasn't real
and the food pyramid is a scam
i knew it legumes my black ass ain't no
damn thing there's no [ __ ] legumes
excuse me black steven i believe it's
pronounced
legumes
look dave's got a whole pile of
impalavision consoles i knew it i knew
it all along
but why would he take them to khakistan
we were hoping you could tell
us dave probably pulled this whole stunt
to piss me off what a jerk
look at his you see we're about to give
kakistan a taste of freedom and freedom
tastes like
cluster bombs excuse me i have to help
an old man empty his reservoir
i'll be right back please rise for u.n
secretary general
the united states has asked to brief us
on a security issue
rear admiral gay stuffington will
present findings about the secret
pakistani weapons program
thank you as stated my name is gay
stuffington and i am
a rear admiral in the united states
king hugh jasmine has stolen thousands
of video game consoles
in order to create a super weapon
capable of launching straight out of the
pant lands
guy from china yes you have a question
what is it okay how can the game console
do this
now look foreigners no one console
is capable of this on its own but you
put two
consoles together and you get this
three or more consoles and you have this
okay we're gonna bomb them
okay i say whole time yugoslavia needs
pants
what are you doing ah i see escape
campus little campus
no suicide is the only way out of here
so this is the plan i'm gonna steal a
gun from the guards
then i'm gonna hang you then i'm gonna
get some sleepy pills for myself then
why do you require the gun i'm gonna
shoot you in the face that way you can't
have an open casket funeral you know a
sort of final view oh
my lower lumbar great
dave was my best friend before he stole
my console like a complete
jerk look they're on tv ew what's going
on
oh my gosh you guys it is dave and todd
this must be why agents fox and dana
were here dave and todd have been
kidnapped by terrorists
what jerry you ignorant [ __ ] those cats
aren't terrorists
unless you count terrorizing the big
chain stores by selling consoles at
crazy low prices just be arabic as a
matter of fact i spent the summer of my
junior year
in djibouti you didn't smell it's a
country in north africa
dummy i learned conversational arabic
looks like dave and todd
have gotten themselves mixed up in a
kakistani stolen console racket but
didn't those special agents say that
they were going to bomb
khaki stand yep looks like you're gonna
be wearing tough skins from now on
i gots to pee jerry if you please
[Music]
why'd you stop i got a niche that needs
your scratching no way mr larity you're
not peeing until you commit to rescuing
dave
and todd i guess jerry i didn't get to
this point in my life by letting peach
arms walk all over me
dave and todd are traitors to this
country and frankly a drag on the
payroll
they are dead to me then your prostate
is dead to me
is that right ah i won't give in
you're weak jerry submit ah you can't
break me we have to save
dave rosberg did it what was that
ross perot rescued his people from iran
but i guess you're no ross perot mr
lairdy that big eared pip squeak
i used to stuff him in the trash can
back in high school
ain't nobody gonna say ross perot is a
bigger man than me
well except maybe in the britches he's a
surprise or that what are you saying sir
i'm saying he's got a big johnson no i
mean about dave
i never seen his stretched out but he
walks around like he's got a big and no
i mean about getting dave out of khaki
stand before its bomb
jerry i reckon wig gots an extraction to
perform
awesome let's shake on oh yeah ah now
let's get that whirly bird to spinning
[Music]
karate chop yeah do that again and we're
gonna have a problem damn it son i'm
trying to knock you out on account of
you being afraid to fly
man that's a racist misconception well
my face is as red as a hooker with blood
all over
can i knock you out anyway hell no i
can't feel my
arm that's good less pain that way and
when we land you'll be able to give
yourself the best stranger you ever had
please help me
sorry boy i gots to close the door just
looking at you makes me spring a leak ow
ow ow okay you don't like my game
lord of the rings fellowship of the
nerds but i think you can hardly deny
the sandwiches of eastwick three sultry
sandwiches
salami turkey and of course pimento loaf
must navigate the treachery todd shut up
i'd rather drink my way out of this
turtle than hear any more of your
lame-ass ideas
[Music]
let's go yeah yeah yeah
get over here jerry run out of hand so i
don't have to look at your face
but my whole body is numb well that's
good we'll use you for a shield
man let's make some babble ganoush out
there
[Music]
so
[Music]
well what the hell are you guys doing
here we're getting you out of this
hellhole
wait i must take home some of these
wonderful pants no time
the jews have come for david jerry
forget you for these jews
i'm sorry i thought you stole my console
man porn channel good evening
dracula to bring you this breaking news
damn it now i'll never know what he
wants her to suck
the united states has just bombed the
pants growing nation of kakistan
the army is taking over their pants
fields as we speak thank goodness
can you imagine if we had to live
without pain can i make a pro-american
statement here
i'm glad to be back in the u.s it's good
to know that i live in a rich country
where we don't have to worry about our
access to food or pants
but jerry i learned something my time
away the people of kakistan are my
brothers and sisters
and because of that i dave will only put
on my pants
when there is peace in the middle east
ah come on man
i can't concentrate like that no fair
warning dude
i'm about to violate myself in ten
seconds dave ten
nine eight no it's locked that's not my
fault dude
two one challenger go to throttle
[Music]
i don't know big t not much of a stream
you got there