good monkey very simple man
[Music]
that was some office party huh wake up
lover
i'll make you eggs and you can eat them
off my ass oh
my head what is this place
oh it's your bedroom claire oh my gosh
it's your bedroom claire
where are my underpants you made me eat
them they were salty
thanks for the best night of my life
stud oh no
oh no no no this is not happening i have
to go
i love you say you love me i'll kill
myself
jerry don't tell anyone or if you do say
i have
really big boobs
dave something awful has happened the
last thing i remember is being at the
office party
and then i woke up in claire's bed i'm
not ready to talk to you yet dude what
do you mean and
and what happened to your arm dave i'm
not ready to talk to you right now what
happened last night oh you want to know
what happened last night yes
why are you so mad at me oh you want to
know why i'm mad at you stop repeating
what i say
oh you want me to stop repeating fine
where do i start captain tequila
shooters
oh i know how about you barfing on tom
from accounting
[Music]
i'm tom from accounting i make sure you
get
paid on time
[Applause]
tom accounting your feet smell like barf
that might be because you barfed on them
you're an ass
dude uncool even i know that what's the
last thing you remember the last thing i
remember is winning that trip to hawaii
in the raffle
and the winner is jerry what
yes there you go jerry one trick you i
never win
anything i'm going to hawaii wow yes and
then came the jello shots and the beer
with the bottle of jack as a chaser
and then my personal favorite hey get
out of the way rockin ron gilbert
your moves are just basic is that
supposed to be a dig on my program
graphic space
you knows it i heard you're gonna work
in lucasfarts yeah lucas arts
that's funny i've got a good job now
with some other talented people
you're hilarious farts then you made a
toast
the king would like to propose a toast
to my balls let's bring them out here
don't be shy
i washed them off in the punch bowl it's
okay hey did i mention that i have crabs
now we all have crabs everyone say thank
you jerry yes don't get that's the
second time this week i took a dip in
the old crab bowl get him out of here
dave
oh and you peed on benny what what's
your problem man
just be cool my pee's gonna make him
grow big and strong so don't even worry
about it
i'm a monster okay so that was like the
first 10 minutes of the party and then
you put it into overdrive defender
defend yourself from this
eugene jarvis your game has too many
buttons
scrolling shooter with map view how
about i draw you
a map to my fist how about i draw you a
map to my
butt let's come back i'm gonna be honest
with you man
you scare the out of me hey you want to
hear a black joke
you jerry the civil war never happened
you know what did happen
alderaan hey baby i'm gonna kiss your
mouth
it's so cool that you have time to be
both a programmer and a lesbian
hey are you scared of going to hell you
know because of the lesbo thing
oh and then there was that incident in
front of kevin rush hey
yo i once side card and elephant how
dare you
in front of my kids jerry hey how old is
your daughter anyway
dude and then of course there was that
guy monty do from accounting and judith
saint desk
i saw these two together in the bathroom
and judith is married what a slide
then it was my turn dave you want to see
a trick jerry dude no
let's go when i'm the voice of reason
reason is in deep
in trouble dude not till you see my
trick i knows karate
my jack arm i set those disgusting
things in front of those kids
insulted the only girl i love and broke
your jack arm
holy i'm so sorry whatever johnny from
karate
whose last name i can't remember because
of my throbbing broken arm
dude let's just go to the pitch meeting
now i don't need to tell you that last
night's office party was more out of
control than a bourbon drunk stripper
with daddy issues blowing rails off of
hell's angel's tail pipe
therefore all future parties are
canceled until some people can learn to
clinch their pee hole
oh man too bad my girlfriend couldn't
show up to partake in the merriment
she had to work once again todd for the
last time
dolls can't be girlfriends ditto grimace
costumes and office chairs with holes
stabbed in
i refer neither to purloined masquerade
nor to my furniture i have
a real girlfriend she has flesh and is
flushed with feelings
of love for yours true so todd have you
actually
seen this boyfriend girl friend
and no i have not seen her in the
traditional
sense but so what we enlightened elves
see
with our souls she is still my steady
yes
it's quite serious we bbs each other
all day long boy you best stop spreading
lies about your personal life and pitch
me a gosh dog game very well
this game is called the glorious wedding
of todd and kitty
i realize this is a departure for me
since romance games are mary's
speciality
the player is the fair maiden kitty meow
who must rescue the handsome todd double
meow
from smurfington manor give me one good
reason i shouldn't shoot you
right now because i'm in love and i
don't care who knows it's really kind of
sad you're getting sad and hilarious
mixed up
[Laughter]
listen everybody i have a game i want to
pitch
it's called i'm really sorry in i'm
really sorry
the main character jerry realizes that
he hurt
lots of people at a party people that he
cares about
then he works really hard to regain his
friend's trust because he knows that
they feel violated
so what do you say it was the worst game
pitch i ever heard in my
entire life dean give him the old
ex-wife
neck hug no problem bro
i deserve this
[Music]
then i thought to myself how could i
ever improve my game
cave and cavalry who the hell are you
talking to my girlfriend thinks cave and
cavern is probably the most
inventive game yet a creative zenith she
calls it
i can't say i disagree with her oh right
your
girlfriend tell me todd what do you
think she looks like
i do not think mary i know because she
has told me
she is black yes i'm in an interracial
relationship
and she is from the great state of
michigan she likes to travel
and provides aid to people in need and
why
wasn't she at the office party last
night because
she is a chauffeur for a crime fighter
and as we all know crime
does not sleep i'll show you
i'll show you all kitty is a real person
and she loves me
is that too hard for you to believe yes
it is don't worry i think you actually
made some headway in there
just be cool okay hey guys i don't see
how you can still hang out with him
look it's just because her best pals
mary that's why
dude she'll get over it
[Music]
oh the lady is on the bbs dearest
kitty it is your tot hey
hot toddy is that a joystick in your
pants
or are you son of a [ __ ]
whoa that's rebel day for you fairest
kitty
my friends do not believe you exist
i don't care about your friends i just
want to
whoa a thousand times yes to your period
brother when can you be here
i can be there in 10 minutes i'm already
wet with anticipation did that sound
wrong
i am wet no matter i soon will be one
with the one i love who are you talking
to todd
oh no you don't you don't own me anymore
now that i have these
my little tiffany go away pills don't
you take those pills
they'll change you in the closet with
you you horrible wench twins
why wasn't your witch last night when i
was giving you a gentle massage
it's over dave my career is over
stop being a drama queen how could i
have said and done those things it's
just so unlike me
i've worked so hard to be a good person
and boom
just like that i have the rep of mcenroe
if you want to be a good drunk like me
you have to drink
all the time it takes a lot of practice
dude hey look at it this way
maybe underneath that nice sky exterior
you're a real douche
i think i'm starting to respect you man
oh no it's worse than i thought
if everyone hates me then i'm just gonna
have to quit and if i quit
then i won't have any money and if i
don't have any money then i won't be
able to pay the rent
and if i can't pay the rent i'm gonna
have to go hobo and give
knuckle dusters for nickels
man oh there you are jerry wanna grab
some no
i know you're playing hard to get and i
like it is that
how did i end up in claire's bed did you
know that
did you know that we had relations
please dude do not ask me to think about
that it makes my brain puke
kind of like when he peeked on tom from
accounting stop i'm so ashamed
i need to start the healing process
before it's too late what are you gonna
do dude pay them off erase their
memories
reset the bones in their arms so they
don't throb every time i try to whack it
better
i'm going to write apology notes
oh i just hope she doesn't notice my
back me
i'm as nervous as a school girl who
stride her first pony
what a majestic machine there is no way
that the woman who steps out of that
machine
is anything less than a perfect five
kitty
are you in there show yourself my dear
one kitty
kiss i uh just me this more your prince
hello todd your voice is more
masculine than i expected kitty i go by
kit
get in
and in conclusion dean i'm sorry i told
you clarence's ball gag
tasted like rainbows your pal jerry yeah
you know sucking ball trick plus apology
does equal forgiveness ugh i really hurt
some people's feelings look if it means
that much to you
i'll help you apologize to everyone in
person tomorrow wow you would do that
for me
i'm touched yes i'll do it for you and
for 50 bucks
what no ow ow make my arm stop hurting
you know the one you broke
fine here
[Music]
getting there saying you have the aroma
of
a fine corinthian leather that would be
the smell of michael the last man i had
inside me
he did all sorts of vile things to me ah
i too am a victim perhaps later we can
exchange stories
tell me something kitty are you the
ghost of a dark elf haunting a car shut
up and shift me into fourth todd but i
just saw you downshift
surely you can do it yourself do it ah
as you wish
oh yeah tighter
hold
[Applause]
[Music]
it's been a long time since i've been in
the hands of a real man
thank you so few appreciate my virile
grip put me in third michael
i mean todd now back to second
oh first neutral
no no first yes yes
now second again your commands are
giving me a pg-13 feeling do what you're
told man hands
ask my lord your wishes might come out
[Music]
how do i look like the guy who broke my
arm hey
black steve you cracker well that went
well
he hates me just for hanging out with
you thanks for dragging me into this
jerry
i'm so sorry man those little fingers
pack a mighty punch
there is a grown man's rage in that blow
my life is over
cool out dude come on jared it's a fact
of life bad dirty things happen at
office parties but everyone will get
over it
look as long as you're cool with larity
it's all good so come on
mr larry they got jerry here he needs to
you how dare you
come in my office you ought to be
ashamed of yourself
son now get before i get a case of the
murders
dad bro starts shooting he can't stop
front punch
that'll teach you to trick me into
putting clarence's bonbons in my eat
hole
hey dean the ice cream man is in my
pants
sweet i just got my allowance don't
worry jer larity's a special case no one
else wants to kill you
what the hell eugene jarvis defend
against these harder
why are we at the back of this mini mart
nachos are obtained
through the front do you know what it
feels like to straddle 800 horses
i can't say that i do take off your
pants but do you want to walk home
no take off your pants my buttocks are
bad and i i feel
extremely vulnerable sit on me but i am
sitting on you ride me
i just want a dollar from clarence what
a dumbass i'm glad you all could make it
uh who's hungry it's a little early for
lunch
i just had a bowl of cereal well get
hungry everybody
because i bought you all lunch from big
ass burger go ahead dig in everybody
it's really tasty compliments of your
best pal
the j-man so you won't eat fine
i get it tit-for-tat tit good one bro
to make up for what happened last night
i'm going to let tom from accounting
puke on me
go ahead puke on me sorry jerry i just
don't have to puke maybe this will help
wookie vagina i hope you all can love me
again
i did this for you if we just
talk for a moment about what any topic
will do
my favorites are cheese cheese based
products
cheese flavored products dragons
fantastical realm i don't care about
your fantasy land todd
don't you get it you're just another
desperate atm
[ __ ] i cruised on the bbs i mean
nothing
to you less than nothing well if that's
the case
you can forget the loop job i promised
you look todd this is just
casual right take me home i thought you
was cool i
said take me
dude what are you doing typing my letter
of resignation what
dave i think i have to quit i've racked
my brains and i can't figure out how to
make this right
but i can do right by you dave here take
this ticket to hawaii
you deserve it it's the least i can do
for all you've done for me your trip to
hawaii
thanks man look jerry i'm your friend
dude and friends help friends when
friends act like
asses towards co-workers i can fix this
for you once and for all
just let me work my magic i don't know
dave i've already tried to apologize and
nothing has worked that's because you
don't know how to talk to people dude
there's just something about you that
makes people angry but you lay low for a
while i'll take care of everyone myself
you'd do that for me
thanks what can i do to repay you you
pissed off a lot of people dude
black steve mary larity kevin rush monty
dew
judah saint desk not to mention jerry
face and henry had a waste paper basket
this might take a while
don't wait up for me you're a good
friend dave i'm so glad that that's over
what's this about it's my apology note
it's the least i could do
after you know i called you a lesbian
jerry you didn't say that
dave did dave no that's impossible you
got drunk on two beers and passed out
after the raffle
but dave
[Music]
i'm down from accounting i make sure you
get paid on time
ah i love you mom i love you
too dave pissed off everyone it's cool
my pee will make him grow
big and strong i got super pee
hey everybody i like to propose a toast
to my balls
i wash them in the punch bowl
burn mary it's totally cool that you
have time to be a programmer
and a lesbian so you don't hate me nope
but i don't like you like you either
okay
wait a minute you pissed off a lot of
people dude monty do
monty do mountain dew no henrietta
waste paper basket waste paper basket
kevin rush rush kevin rush
game of vision how may i direct your
call claire i have to ask you something
really important
the answer is yes as long as you go slow
at first then you go fast
then slow then fast then faster then
faster no claire
i need to know if we have an employee
named kevin rush
um no judah saint desk what about jerry
face he doesn't exist either does he
you're the only jury who works here
stead
speaking of which mr teddy needs his
favorite fluffer
hello you scared away another one
hole but dave was with me when i
apologized to everyone
unless you ought to be ashamed of
yourself son
you cracker dave was the cracker not me
screw you dave front pawn oh my god he
was aiming at dave
your trip to hawaii thanks man this
might take a while
don't wait up for me it was dave all
along
it's a setup he knew i didn't remember
anything and he played on my innate
sense of crushing guilt
he pissed everyone off and then stole my
trip to paradise so he could be gone for
two weeks while it all blew over
damn you dave you evil genius
[Music]
i am an evil genius and it's time for
this genius to get laid
get laid oh yeah jerry's gonna like that
one i'll tell him when i get back
i've been dumped used like a common
serving winch
discarded like an empty wine skin upon
love's dung heap
and i liked it wow i hope we can do it
again
oh hello did you see i told you it was
real
i've been used for my man hands and
supple nethers
then toss to the wind like so much chaff
i have loved
and lost and i am in dire need of
soothing onion
but at least i have loved even if it was
a car
yes you had me i loved a car
good for you yes good for
me good day [ __ ]
in love with the car you don't think
he's gonna try and bang my celica do you
we should lock our car doors just
in case
[Music]
i'm going to sunnyvale airport how far
are you going all the way
do you know how to drive a stick hell
yeah i can drive a stick talking car
then let's go for a ride
whippets no poppers mescaline no ether
whatever it doesn't matter nice dude
here comes the darkness
now we all have crabs