oh
fuzzy secret hearts
[Music]
hello god it's me dave are you home
there's something i want to [ __ ] and i
want to know if it's cool with you what
oh where the hell am i i told you
already i left your daughter on the
beach i swear
hello are you dave i'm michael jackson
oh hi hello nation i see that you
decided to be a pop star this time
instead of an angry purple hippo but i'm
not falling for your tricks anymore you
only exist in my mind but i really am
michael jackson that's just what abraham
lincoln said next thing i know i'm
having sex with the dolphin is a man
with a beard eats a lollipop
[Music]
nice but everybody knows that
hallucinations can dance if you're real
then kick me in the nuts violence gives
me the cry alone
what's the matter you scared
hallucination
i'm sorry gentle friend please forgive
me testis a point had to be made and
you're the unfortunate victim oh my
balls totally hurt you really must be
michael jackson dave i
am michael jackson i've got a new album
coming out called thriller
and it's a whole new thing it's sexy
spooky
and mysterious shimon i want to make a
video game to go along with it
and you're my favorite programmer i love
moon tennis
in fact i have a dance based on the moon
yeah drugs will do that to you i want to
make an awesome game like that but
spooky
i want to use dance to scare away the
undead you know for kids
can you help me can i help you let's jam
on damn on i like that i've been saying
it for years
it's yours i also have talk to the hand
my bad
and this is totally rape but i use it in
a good way you know positive
[Music]
see i started programming it myself but
i ran into some trouble oh look at man i
found the problem right here uh it sucks
i'll tell you what i'm gonna do i'm
gonna fix your game and i'm gonna let
you
have me in your music video sure dave
anything you want yes
yes i'm gonna be on 120 minutes okay
what do you want it to look like
it's hard to express in words but
something like this
that is the gayest thing i have ever
seen but also the most awesome
it's like you're wearing shoes made out
of science i feel like i
have any friend in you dave awesome it's
coattail riding time
mtv here i come we just have to get
larry to sign off on it
oh man i'm about to be neck high in lady
parts
hey hey i brought everyone lemon squares
i'm so
bored nothing cool ever happens here
yeah right i am cool oh hey guys oh this
is my new friend michael jackson michael
jackson he's hiring me to sing at his
birthday party we met at the awesome
genius club
oh and ps i'm gonna be in this new music
video and uh girls are gonna want to
blackjack my tom selleck if you know
what i mean
you're funny dave hi everybody hi
michael
oh hello it's michael jackson
ah mr larady we're making a game win
still my leaking heart
you don't need to introduce me i know
who you are
i've been a fan for years it's gonna be
the best game game of vision ever made i
swear it
now i gotta go he's never done that
before i hereby declare that
really weird
michael you must listen to everything i
say about gaming i don't want to fight
you
i think i told you i'm a dancer not a
fighter everyone
cease communications this instant there
is a celebrity in our midst ha
dude can you be cool just for once
michael is just a person
just like me because we are both going
to be on mtv what
i'm talking about this how exactly did
you become the richest man in sunnyvale
yeah did i miss the switch to a cheese
and tears-based currency
what you do not know is that i sold a
very rare vorpal sword
for 12 million pieces of gold you're
rich
no dude he means imaginary gold which is
actually made out of elf farts and
werewolf nog
and i bet you called the paper yourself
to tell him about your imaginary
windfall and what of it
may not a king proclaim his reign just
imagine what may come into my life
now that i am famous and you're all
jealous
i can't believe i just met the latoya
jackson
son we gonna put every dollar we got
behind this game
and before it's over i'm gonna put
everything i got behind her
dad you're so right dang i want to be
starting something
well what i mean to say is i gotta be
starting some you're stuck in the middle
bro
damn it boy you are a vegetable you mean
like an apple
[Music]
todd what are you doing here you're so
annoying i'm setting up an autograph
booth you know it is such a burden
being this famous i was out today and
everyone just kept pointing at me saying
look at that ew that's because your
penis is hanging out of your pants again
todd
ah it looks like little bilbo has come
out of his hobbit hole for some time
where did michael jackson go yeah we
were supposed to watch the [ __ ]
sunset together i brought brie and
everything
is michael jackson you the dude would
all to go don't tell me
you'd like my autograph well the signing
will begin promptly at 5
45 p.m your name time right i got
something you need to hear
long time ago you made it with a
beautiful black woman the titanic
hold on this sounds right there is no
way
todd made it with anything of course i
did and it was
quite erotic you did nasty in a special
place and then i came out that special
place a few months later so that's how
it works
huh and that is what i did with a woman
no less
proving to you all i am not homosexual
like a gay man
or asexual like a mollusk cops i knew it
was you when i sent you in the paper and
what birth name did the
black woman i slept with
repeatedly choose for you ronnie jane
my mama's name is billie jean oh of
course billy gene
one of my many conquests yes i plundered
her cave of treasure
everyone allow me to introduce my air
you smell like nachos pop nachos
and draconia i smell you will soon grow
to love
what the hell is that well that's my
raven nicodemus he look like a chicken
and i think he's sick damn pop you all
rich look at all this treasure ah my
elven
gold each token is good for one ride on
the miniature ponies at the pleasure
fair now look at here pops
let's get down to my allowance as the
book says
the weekly allowance of hugs is
important for a child's development nah
man
cash money will allow me to inspect the
contents of my coffer
slash purse ah here's a dollar husband
it wisely as befits your noble station
eyes open or closed
cuz excuse me oh i did not know such
strength ran in my veins
our empire shall be mighty nicodemus i
am about to pass out
i would appreciate you not eating any of
daddy's soft tissue
what you know good michael this is how
black steve gets damn
plus a move mike that's how you do that
[ __ ] you want to check out my office
come on dude we're trying to make a game
here please dave pretty please
we sugar and funk on top fine but i want
to get this done soon so i can be a rock
star and get rich and retire to an
island paradise and if that's gonna
happen these vampire backup dancers need
some sweet choreography
yo man this is pissing me off son
if you do not learn the fundamentals of
swordplay how will you attract a woman
of your own
you may not know this but your mother
was first attracted to me when she saw
the vigorous
thrusts of my sword
a body that sounded that clever double
entendre
i threw out there ugh there's no way
he's todd's son
uh i'm trying to say in the parlance of
our time that i put your mother's brains
out hey pop i got an idea
why don't you let me drive that lady
locker ah how cute
i'll tell you what you best me now and
you may drive it
be back before the stream lamps are wet
love you too son
[Music]
michael come back i'm so sorry sex is
always weird with me
ask everybody really it's fine it's just
hey there you are i've been looking all
over for you latoya latoya i was gonna
show you my ball room
say no let's get getting here what
happened
i did it again i think i made another
man
gay yikes if i cared at all i'd actually
be worried for her
dave we have to stop this game mr larity
thinks michael jackson is latoya jackson
when he learns the truth that he's been
hitting on a man he's going to freak out
you know what you might be right let's
go get a second opinion on this one
though
hey black steve hey jerry just told me
that the color purple is the stupidest
movie he has ever seen
what screw you jerry i'll show you
stupid you're gonna watch the color
purple
over and over till you get your head
straight i dare you not to cry [ __ ]
i dare you damn it dave oh shame on you
jerry
shame sorry man but there's only one
seat on the success train today
all aboard goodbye
what's that one it looks so sad those
bones over there belong to elephant man
it's so beautiful
and fragile but isn't it weird to own
another man's bones
heck no that's as natural as flowers or
murder
if you own another man's bones you get
all his power
this poor bastard's bones gave me the
power of a man and an elephant
you know what i want you to have that
power i
couldn't you deserve the best honey and
in return
i gots one favor to ask i'd be much
obliged if you could teach me those
sweet moves angela
whoopsie daisy i'm sorry about that why
don't you hold me tight
like a golf pro holds a board trophy
wife
it's the only way i'll learn i'm
confused claire freaked me out and
now this i just remembered i have to go
hurry back later
i love a gal who plays hard to mow last
[Music]
you stuck my chariot to the boat nah i
got in a terrible accident
and you know what man a real father
would be worried about his son
not his crap ass van whoa todd what the
hell happened to your van
did your fake son sell its parts for
skank money how about we get some
sizzlers
and [ __ ] the bathroom stall how about
you meet my pepper spray that's gotta
hurt
finally you're back i need some ideas
what can the zombies do um
i don't know uh maybe just crawl out of
the grave and
do an intricate line dance yes dave i
came to tell you that i
i have to go this place is just too
weird two people tried to
make me do things bad things and i cry
enough as it is so
i'm gonna go somewhere else okay you're
gonna change your tune when you get a
hot load of zombie dancer in your face
let me show you what i've done so far
for the intro you're a hovercraft that
turns into a tiger
that turns into you michael jackson
enclosed from the roaring twenties
that doesn't make any sense that's what
happens when you leave me here alone
with wrath of bong
now here is the first level use the
power of dance to [ __ ] zombie cops
who want to outlaw dancing
okay who has level two like that's when
you box joe pesci and then fight marlon
brando who is the crime boss get it
no oh man you should turn into sand in
level three that's brilliant right
for the last time dean no i don't know
how they get the tiny ship in the bottle
now beat it i need to borrow him you
promised to teach me the spelling song
girl thanks my sword my elvis shield
your my tonic potions oh hey pop you
know what people buy drugs around here
i mean you know so i know which bad
places to stay away from ronnie gene
that is
it i don't want to do this but it seems
you'll benefit from a mythological
journey across my knee you put me across
your knee
and i'll put you in the grave next time
you get
cut oh thanks for letting me take a nap
here benny
i was so tired from teaching dean abc he
just doesn't get it poor thing
michael jackson you start like a mother
poor benny
you must get lonely in here by yourself
all day but at least your daddy is in
here stealing your childhood look
it looks like you have a little pal
reminds me of ben this mouse i had as a
child
it just means more for benny [ __ ]
[Music]
is anyone sitting there that's a penny
in the swear jar mister
children these days have absolutely no
respect for their elders
i can tell you right now things would be
drastically different if we were in
todonia
[Music]
it's only a mythical land where no one
is unhappy and no one ever gets old
can i go there no what are you an idiot
it's mine
however you may build an imaginary land
of your own
and it may be sighted in the vicinity of
taedonia i'm gonna call my narnia you
may not
for that land is mine as well come on
neverland surprisingly that would be
okay
peter pan was published before 1923
which allows you
unfettered use of mr j.m barry's
creation
thank you tell your son about tidonia
and take him there
because i'm starting to think this world
is a horrible place
it is time we talk of titania hey man i
want to talk to you about what happens
when you die
well son there are various theories on
that no man when you
die i want to make sure i get your money
i don't want to get on a technicality
i'm fine but somebody could put an
axe in your face okay it happens and
just in case
i took the liberty of drawing up these
papers you keep all that sweat of me
covered up
nobody gonna ask you for a taste the
cafeteria is closed
i'm captioning not
[Music]
you know i might as available do
everything myself latoya
is guaranteed to go wild
for my wild animals get it son
word jokes make my head meat hurt
you love that elephant man skeleton so
much i thought you'd want to see some
real life animal this one's so beautiful
but compared to you i think it looks
like a lump
you want to touch it okay why isn't he
in a cage
isn't that dude my beautifully
proportioned rounded nose
get me to a hospital quiet down quiet
down my sweet caramel apple
there's nothing i like more than to take
you to the hospital
but we can't have this thing getting out
it'd be bad for the game
dean go get the bactene
[Music]
my nose my poor beautiful nose i'm gonna
die
and i get a bad feeling the angels don't
come to this place smell my finger
ha you can't bro cause your nose is gone
and that's where smells go quick
somebody give me a first aid kit
my sweet sweet newbie and princess has
been attacked by a tiger step aside
everybody i have this bleach
my beautiful black face makes no
difference if you're black or white
my beautiful skin i'm a monster and all
of you are to blame
we got to get her to dr gupta's hurry
i can't say this anymore clearly ronnie
is going to murder you
hey pop want to play axe cats ah you
would like to pursue your woodsman
badge excellent you know i'm something
of a woodsman myself
you know what i mean uh that i your
mother
come on man it's money making time don't
worry sweetheart we'll have that nose
zone right back on
oh my gosh ronnie gene cut off michael
jackson's hand
michael you can still do the video with
one hand right oh by the way how was the
color purple jerry
it was totally fly right that's it son
i am declaring open season on your
buttocks
todd ronnie is not your son i know
ronnie jean from that bar
black [ __ ] he owes me 50 bucks i'm gonna
get you back as soon as i get this life
insurance money man
for real this time yeah right let's put
this debate to rest once and for all
because i am a genius and i foresaw such
an event and have a test for you son
ronnie gene it's time to pull the sword
from the stone
to the cemetery
darkness falls across the van the
midnight
hour is close at hand demons crawl in
search of flesh
they wear half t-shirts made of mesh
who said that blah oh hello keith i
heard you got fired from the dmv
screw you todd and there it is
the sword and the stone remove it to see
if you are indeed my lost lamb
the pollywog of my frog milt my
half-blood prince
clowns it's proven beyond a doubt
now give me my mud but you are not my
son
my true son would be weak and useless
unable to pull a toothpick from a
grilled cheese sandwich
i should have seen the signs you don't
like nachos you didn't want to wash
mother
and your paltry knowledge of fantasy and
sci-fi would leave you defenseless on
arrakis or decoupage oh yeah pop
where there can be only one highlander
very good huh
ain't you got any survival skills you're
like a damn manatee like steven
you saved me i told you that dude owed
me 50 bucks
by the transit of property guess who
owes me 50 bucks
now will you take a check this is a sad
day
we should all be ashamed michael was
bitten bleached
dismembered and someone set him on fire
nobody said i'm on fire
i'm sure it will happen soon whoa wait a
minute there gupta
what'd you call my sweet latoya you said
something like michael i don't what's a
michael
billie jean was not my lover she's just
a girl that said that i was the one
funny gene was not my son don't think
twice
is this a hyperbaric chamber even more
advanced it is filled with liquid oxygen
cool burn him if you got him dudes
[Music]
look at him go he's on fire yeah michael
go
do something you got it bro
cool i'm a fireman now i'm gonna grow a
mustache what's up
sir i'm telling you when thriller comes
out michael jackson is going to be the
biggest star in the world keep dreaming
david
no one's going to buy an album by that
freak let alone a game but if we don't
release the game i won't be in the music
video
no come on michael was gonna take me to
the oscars sorry david the game is
cancelled
just like my love after that babble
walter's special
michael's gonna be lucky if he's not
flapjacked by two guys dead set on
giving him the old
microwave oven in the back of a
greyhound bus
what do you say to people who call you
eccentric it's important to understand
that i'm not
crazy tell me about this outfit this
super takes me from girls who want to do
bad things to me
and old men who want to dance with me
too close tell me about
neverwhere that's the place i live oh
the animals aren't cages so they can't
eat my nose
and no grown-ups who want to touch me
are allowed cut
this interview is creeping me out would
you like a tour in my basement
it's where i hide from all the bad
people
violence gives me the cry alones