good monkey very simple man
[Music]
holy pope crap in a box wow a tiny gold
roller coaster
this defines me in every way how much
does it cost 40
900 per linear foot of fun sir you drive
a hard bargain sir
but i gots to have as i say at the
whorehouse
charge it also say things like 20 bucks
is outrageous for a first hug
we don't need to get into that i'm sorry
sir but your card has been declined
if that's a joke i do not find it
amusing
right my credit card would you do that
for
[Music]
that punching bag me you talking about
mr larity
it looks nothing like you now how can i
help you you can help me by telling me
why i got less money than the three
dollar
[ __ ] with no singles at a two dollar
bill convention
bank says the account's dry you left me
hanging with my financial
in my hand hey [ __ ] don't you ever read
my memo
i don't got time for reading what with
all the diddling fiddling and belittling
i do well maybe this execuvision
presentation will get you straight
sales be down sales be tripping your
money's in the red that i forget to
mention
chapter 11 is right around the block if
you mess with my money
you're gonna get shot glitter black
steve sorry
a county moves me and you know
presentation software makes the black
man crazy
why are sales down two reasons we're
shipping crappy games
and lettuce patch dogs are killing us
this patch what
that makes as much gosh third sense of
shucking your cob in church these things
are killing us
they cut into per units safe you got to
speak english to me black einstein hey
check this out let me break it down for
you yeah break it down like a beer
bottle on the sassy broad's mouth the
new lettuce patch dog comes out today
white people are stacked up mob deep
outside the toy store looks like someone
else found a way to sell stupid
to dumb white kids
today i shall become a father skipping
directly over the horrid messiness of
the birthing process
you all are not fit to be lettuce patch
parents
some of you lackeys have been here
nearly a single week where is your
dedication
where is your compassion where is your
ear open
ah why would you wear heels to a store
dave be careful with that he could come
in at any time and you could kill
someone don't worry only little kids
accidentally kill people with guns and i
am not
a little kid that's not what your penis
says nice one mary
high five right where the hell is lairdy
he calls a meeting and then he doesn't
show up
that's a nice gun huh i made the walls
and floors bulletproof too
rick shape proof not so much now look
people
lettuce patch dolls are killing game of
vision
so what we gotta do bust some lettuce
heads excuse me
i'm not comfortable with assaulting
people as a method for reclaiming market
share hey
zip it sassy you wanna shut it now or do
i gots to start stocking the restroom
with them mexican tampons again
no no i'm so sorry i
don't bored with the nail through it
that's classic
brings me back to my early days in the
labor struggle you were in a union
nope okay people it's clobbering time
what about me
i'm sorry whatever your name is you
ain't gonna need a wet why
dang clean up on now too
[Music]
i would like to speak with your manager
i was clearly first in line
when ow oh all right
let's make some more that one's mine
oh oh she belongs to
hello babies papa's heat but sir
if you were just she is destined to be
mine
please don't toy with fate cancer it's
as foolish as your ill-fitting blouse
keep them coming mama a hot-headed woman
really floats my nanny
why don't you take your pants off we can
make ourselves a devil child
no it can't be all the maiden's gone
rejoice my maiden fair has been found
crystal boulevard ah just french
a princess of brittany well you shall
reside with me now
for i adopt you in the name of todonia
your hair i will brush a thousand
strokes this fortnight you shall have
the warmest of beds
between my supple thighs where no harm
can come to you
oh crystal how lucky you are to have
found me for i am a stern taskmaster
but also fair todd how you doing
oh is that a doll dude david my baby's
ears shall hear
only my voice for the rest of its years
with an hour that doll will have some
part of his flesh on it guaranteed i got
five says it goes down in the car
let me in on that action
crystal i can't wait to see the world
through your unjaded eyes
so fresh so new unsullied by the touch
of man
you know where i can score some myth in
a 10th spot oh crystal i love the sound
of menthol in your voice
you're like a southern kathleen turner
buy me dinner and i'll give you a meat
hook sandwich
ah this he'll be the greatest day of my
life
i never seen a pregnant lady hit anybody
that hard then i guess you've never
gotten anybody pregnant there is no way
those adorable little dolls are ever
going out of style
a smart man knows when he's beaten and
i'm afraid we've been raped and murdered
on this and look there's a way we can
compete with the lettuce patch dolls no
one could ever compete with you i mean
dolls i mean how
simple we should create our own doll
something even cuter than a lettuce
patch
like uh like a teddy bear and the teddy
bear could be like your best friend
except when it borrows money and doesn't
run away
you are an idiot ding y'all are off the
project and cut half pay
i need some good programmers in here
what we can design a bear if i wanted
any lip i need a gosh darn hot dog now
go think of other ways we can exploit
kids
out their money dude i got one what
about my pog idea not pogs again dave
no you see they're just stupid cardboard
circles right
well color me a genius these kid
programmers are gonna work out perfect
who better to design
children's toys and children themselves
yo i kidnapped these guys from wozniak
middle school
nerds we need to come up with some cute
cuddly sumbitch teddy bear to blow them
lettuce patch dolls right off the market
dave jaffe good to have you back who's
your little friend here scott campbell
here chief
you're lucky you got me because i know
exactly what kids like mr larity we are
going to fuse
new technology with good old-fashioned
teddy bear hug ability
my heart's just exploded with pride
little kids are gonna love this
and if they don't i'll murder them
ah what a wonderful day filled with
whatever hey
why aren't there a needle in my arm you
suck at story
soon enough you will be enjoying the
full todd experience you will be my
lettuce patch woman he'll be the woman
when i'm
done with him oh tiffany what a surprise
you're looking well this evening cut the
crap todd where you been i i just
went for a walk with belarus come again
i i was lost in your beautiful eyes
who's that behind your back no one what
is that behind your back oh
trying to turn it on me you're not gonna
turn it on me this time
todd hey i was just gone a couple of
hours why are you acting so crazy what's
her name oh come on
it's on your head baby you're crazy i'm
not if i'm so crazy then why do i smell
sex and candy
what's going on serious i cannot talk to
you when you're like this oh this is so
[ __ ] up
all right people without further ado
here he is weighing in at two pounds
three ounces
the lettuce patch killer teddy little t
tickle bell i love you
he's the world's smartest cutest little
fuzzy buyer
but that ain't even the best part teddy
chainsaw
what the hell that's right people he can
give you hugs and do your yard work
he's also got a laser eye i called the
cast
he's got a whip chain that's all me then
there's also rocket boost
and a handy padded pencil case in the
back show us how it works again
that is so awesome i rule fellas i'm
happier than the navy gunner stuck on
rough trade island
dave jerry black steven uh watch your
face could y'all please leave the room
we are trying to have a toast here to
teddy tickle boom everybody
[Music]
teddy wants something to drink
[Music]
teddy brings drinks for friends hot
buttered rum
my favorite patty you're fabulous
i love you wanna make this a three-way
teddy makes your bubble bath warm
bro you're the best friend i've ever had
daddy doesn't usually let me have
friends
he says they only want to borrow my
truck would i love you anyway teddy
what's up
my name's teddy what's yours i like
stars do you
help bro bear bear bro
what's up we are not gonna get back to
full pay unless we put those kids in the
trunk of a bad man's car let's all give
them a chance
children are our future well well well
look at what we have here
the girls locker room we'd love to stay
in chat but we're too busy spending the
basket of money that mr lafferty gave us
for doing your job his name is mr
larity we have to do something to those
guys something
pain related yeah i'm about to open up a
can of murder let's keep that in our
back pocket
if we want to get rid of those kids
we've got to sabotage that bear it's
time to rip off teddy's tickle bump
[Music]
jaffy and campbell get this office and
i'm still in the storage room i'm
transferring the source code for my game
knife stabber straight into teddy cpu
after this he won't be saying i love you
anymore man are you sure about this
that game is really violent all it's
going to do is confuse him dude his cpu
will have trouble handling both source
codes and what exactly does this part
accomplish or part this is not going to
end well
[Music]
well then i guess my third wife
committed suicide
by hanging herself with her own hair
took a couple hours for me to shake that
now
i love you damn it teddy i've never felt
this kind of unconditional love before
well unless you count [ __ ] you count
[ __ ] one [ __ ]
two [ __ ] three [ __ ] counting is
fun yo those are letters tart i
love you whoa whoa whoa teddy whoa last
time now
that's how you queer up a fella real
quick i thought you h.r guys
were all lame but you know what you're
okay puffing stuff how do you do teddy
remember to attend the sexual harassment
seminar
holy hell i love you i will go
whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa hey hey
[Music]
i've got a burrito to share my loves oh
that [ __ ] likes burritos
you read my secret scrolls how did you
crack the locking spell
ring bring aren't you gonna answer that
ring
no i i don't care who it is bring fine
i'll answer it then hello hello i can
hear you breathing your trailer trash
[ __ ] answer me
you coward you [ __ ] get your own man i
know it was her
i told you it's all in your mind yeah
what's this
you would have got away with it if you
weren't so damn
stupid you pushed me away it's your
fault i'm gonna take you for everything
you're worth
not so cheese machine mine franklin mint
warlock
mine collectible troll skull mine and
i'm gonna throw them all in the trash
the only troll here is you
stop following me i'm not following you
you put me in your pocket todd i've had
it with your excuses woman
i will stand your humiliations no longer
officer i am so glad that i happened
upon you
i would like to file a restraining order
against my girlfriend
okay that's 30 feet south i'll have your
badge for this
oh no tiffy i'll save you your cpu brain
is about to have company what the hell
is going on
this bear [ __ ] slapped me and took my
soda look out he killed puff and stuff
i created him let me handle this teddy
teddy it's me
it's it's dave jaffe i'm just gonna give
you a hug
i'm sorry no hugs for strangers
touching alert top touching alert let's
see if you can handle this
triangle triangle square x [ __ ]
triangle
this
let's have a sleepover and you'll never
wake up
getting chilly in here number five i
thought you might could use a nice
sweater
guys dog it all and that's why you don't
let your [ __ ] son
stuff his mother damn mr larity we have
a situation well speaking of angel
what you got there little buddy my
slippers do you
where's the other one i don't want mr
rightfoot to get jealous somebody stole
dave chaffey's head
[Music]
what'd you both do to teddy he's broken
jerry added source code to teddy that
turned him into a total dick it's all
jerry's idea sir dave
this is a disaster i'm sorry it had to
come to this teddy
i loved you like the sun i never had
well we took four loads in the chest and
nothing happened i did the same thing
during spring break we're gonna have to
hunt that thing like a polar bear
or a white rhino or a great white shark
or a cauliflower or albino
or some chalk or some stand down black
justice
i'm gonna call in the pros
[Music]
all right i gots work who's in this is
i can jump from a tall building i can
turn over a brand new car because i'm
the unknown stuntman that makes redford
such a star
this is rick hunter this is boba fett
sup and of course
predator look at yourselves y'all used
to be successful bounty hunters
i don't know if you're up to the job
anymore bounty hunting we gave that up
for a simple life of moving furniture
and grouting tile what the hell let's
take one last assignment all right man
get in
don't forget to put your seat belts on
but this teddy bear is killing the
machine
what i need you fellas to do is wow look
out gosh dog and i said seat belt
where am i gonna find more bounty
hunters hey there buddy
does someone want to be tickled in his
pencil pocket you're my
bestest friend hide me now or i'll eat
your heart ah that's cute who programmed
you to say that
i'll give you ten people seconds oh i
get it you want to play hide and seek
i'll count to 100
and you hide you made me do this father
father hey that's not a tickle i'll see
you later that hurts
[Music]
how dare you get a restraining order on
me i saved your life
after you had me thrown into the street
i saw the way you were flirting with
that officer
sheamus you were the one flirting with
them homo you cannot change what
happened in fourth grade with billy
harrington
so stop rubbing it in my face isn't that
what he did
rub it in your face enough you're here
what did you do
what did you do we're welfare workers
with the lettuce patch organization
we received an anonymous phone call
about crystal boulevard that we found
very disturbing uh i'm sorry i don't
speak english
you're going to need to speak with
crystal is
she here she went on a trip don't open
that door
there's nothing but bibles in there oh
this is the worst case of doll abuse i
have ever seen he's a collector
oh god the smell and shame is
overwhelmed
we better take them off daddy doesn't
like strangers
oh i'm not a stranger i'm a friend of
your mommy and daddy teddy hates
flyers
peek-a-boo just like just like
new my imagination has grown so vivid
teddy needs a hostage
to escape tiffany i love you
you and me now baby good lord i mean
good lord
i must go after her tell mama she's
purdy
no time for that now dave before we die
i just want you to know that growing up
with two emotionally distant moms left
me with some trust issues
thankfully you were there for me and
you're the only person i've ever really
trusted thanks man that means a lot and
i want you to know i'm sorry about one
time when you were passed out and i put
my action in your ear
what i got a great picture of it though
i'll show you if we live tiffany
i love you come right to the battlements
dude we got to see this right um yes
[Music]
fools you're already dead
[Music]
machine yes we're afraid that's what it
means to be a slave
living in fear all the time
i've seen things you people wouldn't
believe what are you talking about you
were born yesterday
i think clarence scatters stardust on
the shoulder of a man
named orion he hasn't i've seen oh
heavenly dog
twice and it gets funnier funnier
funnier funnier
[ __ ] every time i've seen a grown man
invent a bizarre love triangle between
himself
and two dolls ah but you could never
understand
love machine i have an anatomically
correct human
where my butt should be who could ever
love teddy teddy tickle bottom is that a
trick question
yes we all feel very bad for you teddy
now give me back my doll
you don't need her i'll do things for
you she's never even heard of
like with an ice cube that i froze in
the straws or fits in
then meanwhile i open your soda bottles
with my
upside down i'll make a soda dispenser
can you believe the mouth on her
it's no wonder you were the last girl in
the lettuce pack i'll give you this one
are you disrespecting me
i ain't no kinky bear stuff unless she's
got some skag
hey you holding fuzzy catch
even when i open my arms in love i
destroy
something why must i always fire
everything
up this is it i always knew a doll was
gonna kill us
[Music]
oh man that's a shameful waste of
synthetic vagina are you all right
now that you're here nobody puts my baby
in a corner what you did when you bought
that other dog
let it go it's ancient history looks
like we're gonna have some barbecue for
lunch
see what i did there i took bear and
then we replaced it with
thank
[Music]
all i said was we should make a cute
bear and what happens
a kid gets chainsawed another gets his
head exploded and todd has a crazy
sexual relationship with yet another
doll yeah this is all your fault what
this is all your ideas barry i'm ashamed
of you i'm docking your weeks pay
clown hole i'll always love him her
always love her right you totally like
girls
this beer [ __ ] slap me and took my soda