um
[Music]
fuzzy secret hearts
[Music]
dude i don't think this is such a good
idea you know
todd doesn't like to be disturbed when
he's programming is he miami being
disturbed when he's dead because i think
we're about to find his riding course
gross dude
i'm just trying to prepare you for the
worst dude he's been in there like five
weeks todd we're coming in
so if you're banging away in your
baloney then prepare to see me throw up
oh it smells like uh cat pissing ass
holy crap he's dead
[Applause]
talk master of the weak will todd it's
me dave
it's time to come the meeting buddy yes
dave
i know the name todd you've gotta come
to the meeting present your new game
it's gonna be okay man but i should go
home have mother bathe me
warm water and her sudsy hands are just
what i need
i'm coming mumsy no time for that now
i've got some water on me
there you go fresh as a daisy
perfect now let's go hear this
masterpiece you've been working on
me i'm too high to give a rip oh yes you
must masterpiece
the world genius of
the game elephant quest the hunt for ear
of nyborg the style
taking fantasy gaming to an entirely
different level the effect
not since gonad the balbarian has there
been a game this great
but far far more triumphal as you can
see
hold on a minute dean didn't we already
ship this game dude here it comes
no bro i think we shipped jerry's
fantasy game like three weeks ago
what about my game fruit planning
anyway we already shipped jerry's
fantasy game so i guess what i'm saying
is next please forgive me mr larry i
i did not immediately recognize that as
a clever joke boy i wasn't joking
can't have two fantasy games out at one
time it'll confuse the marketplace
let me put this as delicately as
possible your game
can yeehai okay very well
uh you you ship jerry's game three weeks
ago and
did not tell me uh fair is fair
and you hoard douchebag
[ __ ] face holy crap
crap get them off of me show us your
boobs
jerry close your mouth so you don't get
a taste of the junk what it's rule
number deuce when you're wrestling a fat
naked man what's rule number one avoid
the ass sandwich at all cost dude you're
breaking rule number one he's
gained weight oh he's crushing my heart
i taste dad hey todd if you fart right
now i'll give you 100 bucks
why if you boys want to play grab ass do
it on your own time
dean separate these two tardos you got
it dad
boom get over here dude i can't see
don't worry dude it's just temporary ass
blindness i've seen it a million times
before here you go son
just in case you want to commit suicide
to spare yourself from the nightmares
that you're surely gonna get that's the
nicest thing you've ever done for me
you're right
how sad is that he'll never catch me
alive
okay well that happened uh let's get
back to the meeting everybody
dean how we coming on crafting that
mission statement oh i learned how to
spell
mission see there's no h in there
i don't think your head could actually
fit up i don't know man i don't know
what had a pleasure woman no
i don't know secret is staying cool all
summer long no i oh
how i can be a complete genius but also
a regular guy that people can relate to
the secret is strapping it to the side
of your leg and wearing slightly loose
pants
that way when it dangles it does dang no
damn it i don't know about todd
when larry pulled his game i think he
finally snapped
he kind of scares me dave um a lot dude
what's the worst you could do like dis
and value with a shop back and force you
to wear a colostomy bag the rest of your
life yeah that would be pretty bad if
todd didn't snap
after his birthday he's not gonna snap
after this dave wouldn't it just be
easier to pee in his beer bottle that's
not the point dude the point is
best prank ever now help me fit my
johnson inside this tap
all right ready okay tell them to take a
drink i guess besides we've got bigger
problems now
what do you mean bigger problems our
little korean connections what your
prickles want i'm very busy okay so how
about you approve our game i told you
already
you want me to approve your games i'm
gonna need unfiltered cigarettes benny
you know larry will flip out if you give
you unfiltered they're bad for kids
you'll also get cancer like 10 minutes
sooner i couldn't do that to you better
baby you should think about what but for
programmers
and what bad for programmers it's never
getting another game shift
you'd say i'm made of timing for you i
don't get it you approved our last game
in like an hour
oh i approved your last game all right
and what i get
no thank you no tip no damn
anything hey thanks for approving our
last game bro ah
too late bring me on strike and i got
all the power in my
tiny asian hands you want games approved
here's my list of demands now go get
your
giant box i say we kill him and replace
him with a stuffed animal dave
let me talk to him hey little man i hear
you
but you're the lead game tester and
that's a mighty responsibility
hit the bricks i don't listen to a guy
that gets less ass than me listen you
little
you get over here help help jerry and
dave tried to touch me where i pee
oh crap what no no my hands are up in
the air i didn't touch anyone's weave
[Music]
thank god you're here you hold him down
and i'll kick him in the face hey
shut it perv the nerve of this guy right
i mean
hey chinatown this ain't over between me
and you oh he's done
he's done more than your mom baby
[Music]
i think you chipped my tooth uh you
should be thanking me if i'd kicked you
harder you would have swallowed it benny
is going to screw us
dave we're going to be fired you know
how larity is about ship dates
that little bastard if he's not careful
someone's going to run him down with uh
well yeah that's kind of specific but
whoa what the hell
god you can't park
[Music]
what the hell is going on oh are we
under attack
is that damn russian nothing todd tried
to kill jerry but like everything else
in his life he failed heads up
ah even his man is fat
dean are you okay yeah he just ran over
my head
my head holds up pretty good to van
damme i don't have my pistola on me
black steve i need you to take care of
business for me son
it's already done
oh my god oh that is no bueno okay
we got work to do no time to stand
around to watch a man
burn yeah hey what's for lunch today
i suddenly got a hankering for some
barbecue daddy jerry how come none of
your games are shipped this week you got
four seconds to answer
you see dude i knew todd's gone psycho
what because he crashed his van into a
building a couple of times
if that psycho guess what buddy i'm
psycho because i did that just last week
all right but you were on peyote
you push the secret button that lets me
pass through walls
awesome dr freckles you are the best cat
doctor ever what else should i do suck
my
well i'm just kidding no i'm not no i'm
just kidding no i'm not
anyway crash into that build that's a
great idea
and who's to say todd's not on peyote
you're not a doctor like dr freckles but
if you want to waste your time worrying
about that go ahead because you know
what
i'm going to be worried about the little
[ __ ] and his little demands
where the hell am i going to find
chocolate kimchi and nicotine fruit
roll-ups tell me
[Music]
okay benny we got most of what you
wanted on the list yeah we couldn't find
the
cat handcuffs or the pixie stick
nunchucks not happy
all right but we did get you bok choy
flavored wine coolers
oh heavenly dog on betamax
plus a gross switchblade cigarettes of
the world
batting gloves for your joystick hand
and 10 pounds of pure
uncut colombian sugar huh it's all there
man so uh how about you approve those
games okay
dave and jerry family ties the video
game
thumbs up approve wait what about our
other games big ass frog
hemorrhoid avenger hobo strangler
jumping jews moonbanger
moonbanger dave it's the one where you
screw the moon dude yeah i got that much
but
sorry joes you're gonna cause extra to
get those stink bombs approved but we
met your demands
yeah and i maxed out jerry's credit
cards and all what my new list
24 hours [ __ ] dave what are we gonna
do
don't worry i've got a plan
not one of your better days the bullets
only pierce the first layer of fat
don't you see my mechanical friend i
can't be killed
i'm a god and god
wants revenge let's not get carried away
silence you god hears no voice but
though tiffany as i was being baked like
a delicious delicious ham i had a vision
i must find a master that can restore my
charisma points to write my course
and to do this i must go on a quest a
quest that has three missions
first i must capture molly ringwood
secondly
i must use her beauty as an offering to
gary geigex
the only man who can grant me my points
thirdly only then can i come back
and vanquish the evil that is game of
vision
are you with me i'm out i need you
just me and you tiffany by the power of
moldor
i shall be avenged i wish we were in a
high sailing room right now because that
would
have sounded great with an echo
hello my good man my name is pardu the
traveler
i will take two packs of gum
a diet coke some duct tape a liter of
that chloroform
some nachos of course a crowbar and uh
some of that baby oil and in return i
will give you
this coin that's great you need some
rope with that we're having a two for
one sale on ropes
why not trusty shopkeep for i am going
to abduct molly ringwald
it is the first part of my quest request
to find the great
master carry geicax ruler of all
role-playing games
for he will restore yeah good luck with
that
anything else yeah can i get a hot dog a
burrito
with triple cheese what's that it's a
hot dog filled with nacho cheese wrapped
in a tortilla
it's a delicacy of middle earth yeah we
don't have that would you call another
store
i'll wait jerry these are some friends
of mine
johnny handsome and massive [ __ ] hey
this is a really nice restaurant
i love spaghetti johnny hansen is my
mom's cousin once removed
by the way johnny she wants to have you
over for a sunday brunch so you know
give her a call
anyway i need you to take care of
something for me does this something
got a name yeah benny dave are you
putting a hit out on a little kid dude i
just want them to rough them up a little
so what do you say and what are you
offering in return the usual
no i don't want another gift certificate
to the red lobster
we want the beta testers of moonbanger
and jumping jews
oh and pencil pusher four with all the
respect that's due
massive [ __ ] um pencil pusher four
isn't done yet it actually won't be out
till next year
figure it out i promised my kid pencil
pusher four if he made the honor roll
he made the honor roll that's the deal
boys take it
he'll get the yeah we'll take it
[Music]
shurmur high school what a strange name
for a castle give me your chicken hot
pocket
no i said give me a chicken hot pocket
does this look like chicken hot pocket
dad
i said get me a chicken hot pocket no
dad
greetings my name is padu the traveler
from
horror i will now pause and allow your
time to bow hello
i'm burying my soul here i am sorry kind
sir
but i am a knight on a quest now where
is molly
the fiery red-headed sorceress what are
you talking about
she's the one putting her lipstick on
with her boobs did i stutter
ah yes fear not good woman
i am not here to rape you i am merely
here
to abduct you look i don't talk to geeks
then perhaps you will talk to my staff
help
help help me you shall travel with me as
a princess is accustomed
in the trunk of my rented automobile
your chariot awaits their maiden
bomber don't just sit there help me
why didn't we help her because she's a
stuck-up
[ __ ] hey keep it down come on bender
take a shot i dare you dave i don't feel
comfortable with this
yeah well i don't feel comfortable with
you standing behind me when i pee
look massive [ __ ] and johnny hansen
won't hurt anybody they'll just scare
benny into shipping our games and
that'll be that
promise does a game programmer pee on
shoes what
oh i get it what was that blood your
dumb turd box
you never beat benny i'm korean fool
what do you got baseball i got kimchi
[Music]
[ __ ]
are you quite comfortable i remind you
this is
not a rape but merely an abduction
good just so we're clear
not again todd just because i invented
dungeons and dragons doesn't mean you
can harass me like this creator my name
is padu
i know not of this todd i am from the
land of
joro yeah yeah yeah come in i have
neighbors you know
i brought you a meek offer behold the
sorceress molly ringwald
in all her red devil had glory hi
nice to meet you i just want you to know
that i am not
involved in this in any way please help
me
how'd you have to stop doing this it's
just a game
you're acting like a crazy person but
creator
i'm confused my name is not taught it is
pardo the traveler i have traversed
great distances in my rental horse
todd if this happens again i'm going to
have to call the police
i am an adult i don't have time for
games but i have brought you
molly ringwald as well as
coin and herb and molly ringwood
these are arcade tokens for a place
called the dream factory
now we must border in exchange for molly
ringworld
i would like you to give me three points
of dexterity
five points of strength six points of
sexual stamina
and 200 charisma points sexual stamina
is not a part of dungeons and dragons i
made you my offer creator now take it
early
damn it molly rainbow transfer the man
sing an arya
damn it i thought you were an actress
act like you're worth something
fine i bestow upon you three points of
dexterity
five points of strength six points of
sexual stamina
and two hundred points of charisma basil
kernel
yes i feel it that's the magic happening
now get out
[Music]
[Applause]
let me go and i will close well paint my
ass white and call me meryl streep
i never thought dave and jerry had it in
them i had what in them dad
benny just told me that dave and jerry
hired somebody to kill me it's true
honorable father two fat hairy grease
balls are coming today to punch your
ticket
and i don't know what i would ever do
without you my precious princess papa
i feel like dancing me a hoe down say
what
i love it life tastes sweeter when
you're being hunted
benny if this all goes okay and i can
avoid assassination
how'd you like to see your parents again
as a little thank you
mama it's what i dream about every night
okay then get to getting we got work to
do
and i would like to thank you benny
good job son what that little bugger
doesn't know is that his parents
died in a tragic accident while trying
to find him oh well kids are resilient
he'll bounce right back
[Music]
[Applause]
there it is the bastion of evil that
must be taken out
and with my new charisma points and four
cases of power sticks
i will vanquish the dark knight clarity
and the traitor jerry
as well as claire the elfin [ __ ] mary
the boob troll
clarence the fairy king black steven
the serpent prince and david lord of the
jerk holes
and then you shall be my queen tiffany
in this new land we will have created
what slayer to that
then we can have lots of hot sex you big
strong man
of course my love it's not going to be
like last time is it i told you i wasn't
feeling well
i think i ate a bad chili talk well a
jew pump jump ain't gonna satisfy me boy
i said i would make that up to you why
don't you get sister with me i'll slap
you back enough let's just get on with
the vengeance
lord can pardo get no respite
is that you black steve yo man i didn't
know she was your sister
what the [ __ ] are you talking about
nothing i gotta go
whoa you got beat with the ugly stick
i'm out
oh that was him
yo you see a little korean kid run
through here no good sire
but i did see an asian leprechaun
scamper passed
but a second ago thanks i'm telling you
i saw them come this way
oh hey todd todd is dead there is only
pardo the conqueror hey dude you got
nacho cheese on your johnson so i do
that is a small price to pay for victory
yeah whatever did you see two mobsters
walk through here
no but i did see two swarthy gilflings
scurry through the underbrush
nearly a second ago is this dynamite
come on jerry we don't have time but i
think that was dynamite dave
all right you little piece of we could
do this the easy way
or the hard way that's what i told your
mom point to benny okay you little [ __ ]
this is gonna hurt also what i told
you mom oh a wise guy huh what the hell
damn where the hell do you dad well well
where look who it is
[Music]
i got two barrels of my four-barrel
shotgun left
you want to give me a reason not to plug
your butts
this is awesome well tiffany paul is
ready oh you can say it is
you're so powerful baidu whoa
your hat isn't patrick swayze on fire
thank you
my little make-believe temptress it is
time
this candle some more s'mores
mindful benny look clarity you're just
trying to scare benny they weren't
really gonna hurt him
just maybe break his face or something
dog got excuses faker my girlfriends
fake boobies
you brought assassins here to kill me so
you could steal my treasure
and the thing i once loved you boys more
than i love my own [ __ ] son
come on bro sir you've got it all wrong
i can explain
fellas i'm afraid this is gonna be the
end of me
dude i don't think this is such a good
idea you know todd doesn't like to be
disturbed when he's programmed does he
mind being disturbed when he's dead
because i think we're about to find his
riding course
gross dude
[Music]
on it