um
[Music]
fuzzy secret heart
[Music]
dave i keep telling you command s
[Music]
oh you're on handsome beast
those push-ups are really paying off and
baby oil
is your friend oh back steve you're
going to leave
your wife right
[Music]
[Applause]
now look at here boy it's my top secret
safe built special to keep all my money
and valuables away from them sons of
[ __ ] thieves i call employees
one of hitler's old bunker builders
built it guy by the name of ricky wicked
dad only way to open it
is by punching in the top secret code
known only to me
and my brain let me see if i can
remember this sucker
bingo
gotta check every day to make sure it's
all here gold coins check
treasure chest check unicorn skeleton
check
stuffed ex-wife home check giant marble
fyi
genuine marble check leprechaun on a
pile of gold check
and leprechaun on a chair double check
david jones locker
not now davey my rubik's cube with three
counting three reds on one side
yes i'm a gold darn genius and every
single reader's digest for the past six
months
and i mean every single last one of them
okay
everything's bend me over kiss my ass
and hand wash my privates
i've been robbed there's a sack of money
missing you said sack
that's another word for balls supposed
to be 105 bags here
only eyeball 104 how can you tell dad
i can smell it it's as if somebody stole
one of my babies
and that baby was made out of money
instead of useless baby meat dad check
out this horse
i found it you're more useless than fake
boobs on a dead pit
get off of that boy we got a snake in
the pit
and i aims to find him
howdy random employee getting here dean
i don't want anybody listening in
dad what's going on bro i want you to
find this
thief and bring him back to me alive
but just barely you got it dad whoa look
out
how much is barely boy just do it come
on
yes sir man when why didn't i pull out
when i had the chance
oh yeah only one thing feels better than
a pure water jacuzzi
hey you know anything about a missing
sacrifice no
but i do know about bubbles bubbles
bubbles bubbles
what the i'm out of here that guy
is the only guy wouldn't sleep with no i
take that back i'd sleep with him too
because that's how gay
i am give me three times on the next
with the point hey korean [ __ ] who was
that you were just talking to
ah this is my toy phone
this was my imaginary friend a fred
the dragon sorry buddy
i don't know what i was thinking get me
joe
wow this is what rush must have felt
like after they recorded 2112.
todd you are a genius thank you my
little and only friend what's up
here's the deal nerd either you dave or
jerry's a thief
mere mortal steel but i a god
can only create what does that mean it
was jerry
i knew it thanks bro excuse me jerry i
have to take a leak
fine dave it's not like you have to ask
my permission thanks man i appreciate
that damn it dave
go to the bathroom way ahead of you
buddy stop peeing in juice bottles
yeah but it's my juice so think of it as
recycling it smells like a mixture of
ass
and piss in this room please for the
last time
start using the bathroom dude the
bathroom is like 20 feet down the hall
which is like
20 feet too far when you're playing
video games man dave
you're supposed to be programming games
not playing games
and at least throw the bottles away when
you're done yeah i'm gonna put that on
my to don't list
listen up turd boxes someone's been
stealing from my dad
i've got a pretty good idea who it is
well it's not me i've never stolen
anything from mr larity or this company
unlike some people surely you do not
refer to moira hey yo dave
can you hook me up with that company
credit card again i want to use it to
buy some cocaine here you go my man
i didn't know drug dealers accepted
credit cards oh hell yeah
dude just be sure you return it by
tuesday no man you ain't getting this
back
yo dave you stalking liquor nope it's
actually gallons of europe
you motherfu this is crazy what'd you
find out murder she wrote dad i think
it's dave and jerry
they've been using your money to buy
orange juice oh that looks extra puppy
let me take a swig
don't worry dude you're in a sterile
gross me out
my new shoes what the hell just happened
oh you know the usual monday stuff
sprayed by the boss by mouthful urine
well dean searched this place high and
low for that dirty sum [ __ ] who been
digging his greasy hands into my pockets
and as usual he fumbled the ball on the
two yard line i have a delivery of 1200
swatches for a gablevision what the
hell's a swatch
it's game parts it's very technical
stuff that involves computers and
addition
and math anyway since i can't find out
who's been stealing from me
i thought i'd go ahead and reward
everybody who is
not stealing from me you see if only one
of you was stealing
that means the rest of you are not
that's called logic people
makes perfect sense sir so we're going
on a little company retreat
my way of thanking all but one of you
for not being a grade a
cow turd bus picks up tomorrow morning
out front
8 a.m shark
[Music]
all right get in there coffee donuts are
in the back
all you can eat have at it yeah that's
about you too fatty man
free trip coffee donuts maybe this guy
isn't as bad as we thought
[Music]
dude this crazy mother was exactly as
bad as we thought
um mr larry sir this um
doesn't seem like a vacation right you
are son
it's like i used to tell my papi just
cause you've been to a magic show
don't mean you know how to saw a woman
in half without
winding up in jail and here you are in
jail
yeah that doesn't make sense since bid
you i do
when you walk through my gates cons
wow welcome to rapeville state
penitentiary
comms i am james tiberius shank
but you may refer to me as warden
and for the next 48 hours your asses are
mine i've seen
worse this is where you start serving
your time for stealing from my
good friend big t-lab hey man hallelujah
brother you all got big dreams
you want fame well fame costs
and right here is where you start paying
with
pain and sweat isn't that the speech
from the movie fame
whoa you watched fame what it's a good
movie a fine film indeed
i love that movie too would you like to
join my vhs club jerry
we'll be watching dune next week no
thanks i'm good todd
probably better that way i mean vhs
stands for very hot
stud and you clearly would not fit in
hey dude are you sure it doesn't stand
for very heavy
head ass face who told you to talk up
boy oh i was just telling my pal
are you ah did anyone else want to open
their pie holes
that's what i thought you each be a sign
a prisoner
who will scare the living at you
but maybe also make here some tough
questions about
morality and circumstance in today's
american
but mostly they're going to scare to
live out you
guards take them away boys
i got a special prisoner for you too
wow this place is crazy hey let's take a
bet on who gets raped first
dave this is serious i got 20 bucks on
todd i got a piece of that action
i'll take 40 on myself wait you're
betting on yourself hey
i'm sorry i know myself i am hot and
unfortunately
both men and women find me incredibly
attractive gross me out with a spoon
every time you talk i want to burn my
ears off so i don't have to listen to
any more of your crap
hey has anyone seen claire oh she
volunteered for conjugal visits
what i think she thought conjugal had
something to do with teaching prisoners
grammar
[Music]
why are you dirty criminals all staring
at me like that i know i'm pretty but
i'm just here to teach you english
no more talkie
uh let's see ready weird uh viking guy
uh um uh you're in here
uh with one of our most famous convicts
the serial killer what's he in for
uh probably killing douche how do you
know he didn't bounce a check
holy dave this is it this way maggots
yeah there's no way that todd doesn't
find the business end of one of these
guys whammo sticks that 20 bucks is mine
buddy
thanks for doing this for us pal
entertain for our fellow blood and bone
brother yes sir dean prison is cool
let me show you around we got a lot of
famous prisoners here
let me see this is giovanni
now he's in jail for killing a real
gorilla who was trying to
have relations with his girlfriend poor
son of a [ __ ]
i've been there kyle's booth and for
stealing the movie red dawn
and uh this old guy blackie why do they
call you blackie
well i guess it's cause i'm black i
don't get it well
the warden didn't pay me much mind as
usual
i guess that's all right but what did i
really expect like he stopped with that
external monologue all right
he's crazy i'm transferring them to show
shane prison next month let them deal
with
you know you're doing me a favor too the
more civilians we get inside to really
experience the prison lifestyle
the more i believe that my dream of
turning this place into a profitable
theme park can become a reality all i
need
is a few initial investors
you may have something there you have a
prospectus i could eyeball
i got it right yeah i carved it on this
man's
chest you notice on the second graph you
can clearly
dave don't be scared buddy hold my hand
okay got it
it's as black as hell at night in here
man it just got black
you guys done holding hands oh please
holy crap jerry he's totally gonna kill
your ass nah man
i found peace in prison no way the only
thing you ever find in prison is a
one-way ticket down steve
i already cried and peed myself i have
nothing left
so shut the f up so what's your name
dude major john hondo
united states special forces go by the
name of dave
game of vision usa and this is my friend
jerry aka the little girl
how long you in for dude not too long if
i don't get a pardon from the president
tonight
then they're gonna execute me at
midnight but i'm innocent what are you
in for
i know some secret up stuff that went
down in nicaragua
if i wasn't such a peaceful man i'd kick
some ass
ah so uh you're just gonna roll like
toilet paper
i thought you said you were part of
special forces not special ed the hell
you say boy
don't listen to him he's an idiot we
know you're in the army
hold up that might be him now dave what
are you doing
you'll see dude yo what's up yeah this
hot dog is this reagan
all right so you gonna let me go what oh
all right reagan
talk to you later man yo man what's the
word you gonna get this pardon or what
no
i did not get my damn pardon yeah i like
the anger i was really pulling for you
that reagan is a dick you know jerry
voted for him three times
hahaha he's kidding hey man seeing how
they're gonna kill you and everything
what say you me and the little lady of
course
bust out of prison's night okay what are
you doing listen dude i'm trying to
destroy larrity in one swoop so what do
you say honda we're gonna book it out of
here tonight homies reagan frame me and
he got to pay
awesome let's roll convict
name's todd i know what you're thinking
it's my lucky day
right that's one gorgeous piece of
man-made standing in front of you
well you're absolutely right so take a
piece of the todd pie whenever you want
you with the red hair you're beautiful
her well why your charisma is probably
an
eight your vision is clearly no more
than a two so where you from uh what
kind of music do you dig
yeah i'm gonna stand over
here now well i guess that just leaves
you and me
my dangerous friend
the loneliness of the long distance
runner
i know it i feel it every day look at me
i'm 33 years old i'm single
i'm at the top of my game i'm
devastatingly good looking
almost to a fault it's no wonder that so
many people are jealous of my superior
talents
the surprise of genius i can't
blame them for being weaker than i if i
had to work with me i
too would be shaking in my boots because
i
am the best this is undisputed
hmm well at least he didn't suffer i'm
only thankful that the last thing he saw
was my beautiful face oh my god oh my
god oh my god
j-man start digging well i don't have
anything to dig with
no problem i keep to some equipment
d-man
pull the string
[Music]
okay i'm gonna throw up no you gonna dig
what little world you've created for
yourself warning yeah i can do anything
i want to these fellas
anything at all excuse me i don't
remember
tables being able to cough do you mr
louty who wants to shoot some cons out
of cannon
i'm gonna put one of these in the
carnival midway area
you know for the children doggies warden
you
are one creative some [ __ ] i do believe
we could make some money together
oh man hondo i can't dig anymore
oh you don't have to dig little buddy
really
thanks man you can dig or get a song
all day that's my buddy jerry a real
workhorse
you know hondo you're uh you're a great
motivator thank you it's key in any
position
to communicate with your employees and
let them know what's expected of them
hey man when we bust out of here
i think i'm not gonna promise but i
think i have a job for you at game of
vision and human resources that's cool
you okay for a little white dude and
you're cool for a large threatening
sociopathic black man
so there hugs no no hug okay
i'm bored yeah well after you eat off a
human's back and uh you know shot a
couple cons out of a cannon this place
gets a little old
don't seem like you get all the repeat
business that makes for a successful
theme park buddy wait wait no that's not
true look
there's plenty of other stuff to do uh
we could hey we could watch some tv
or uh hey maybe put a puzzle together
puzzles are fun right no thanks dean
i think we need to get to getting sir
this is red leader
i know you're a real leader you got a
red suit on hondo has escaped sir
no one escaped sound along woo
thinks this place is boring huh how
about hunting a little human breed
let's see who's bored then now you're
talking my language
you didn't get up in the trees get the
high ground me and the boys will attack
em
head on they don't call me shoot first
and ask
questions larity for nothing
revenge is mine
[Music]
honda what the hell are we doing here
slight detour my man
is this part of your grand plan no man i
just want to blow them
to white people why because they remind
me of rape yo i hear that
dave you crackers you
are a cracker not today dude take that
whitey take your sword
you keep pushing this psychopath to
crazy town
[Music]
i'm gonna need you to calm down
nice cut blue leader we've got ourselves
a situation here
i'm on it red leader
[Music]
[Applause]
ryan look at that honda
[Music]
let this be a lesson to you always take
the high ground
[Music]
you're too good to make that sort of
mistake why'd you spend my life
text let's just say i'd sooner rape the
mona lisa than destroy a highly honed
big black killing machine like yourself
you do realize someday i'm gonna escape
come back
and kill you right i wouldn't have it
any other way
dave and jerry you dudes are okay will
you come visit me in the joint
absolutely not we're not going to prison
so uh take care dude
well dave you caused a once peaceful man
to kill hundreds of innocent civilians
you took down a prison and you almost
got the both of us killed in the process
yeah it would have been the perfect day
if only todd had got his ass toggled
i can't believe no one wanted to bop my
bip i'll toggle you man
it's not the same what the hell were we
supposed to learn from all this
other than that todd's sad life can
cause a man to kill himself
i learned that stealing is wrong and
prisoners
like everyone else love me and claire my
dear you doth learn the golden rule
[ __ ] are loved everywhere and in every
position hey that reminds me
where the hell is clarence i don't know
dude he disappeared as soon as we got
here
burn me hold up give me some love
cause where there is a prism there is
love
[Applause]
well i hope y'all enjoyed your little
vacation
as much as i did still don't know who
stole from me
but be sure of this i'm gonna find you
class dismissed i'll see everybody at
the picnic next week
well well well i guess the money i stole
to pay for my army of lettuce patch
dolls will go
unnoticed another day
you're all 18 right we sure are we sure
are you sexy man
hey come get me right now me and my 300
sisters
just a minute girls i need some rest no
you don't
i just can't wait you big sexy stud
thank you tiffany
[Music]
if i wasn't such a peaceful man i'd kick
some ass